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Areala Asks: Your Favorite One-Liner (20160601)


Areala
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Wow, so that was an exciting Memorial Day weekend, huh? Probably going to remember it for the rest of your life, or at least until next Saturday, whenever the hangover eases up, right? Something about a big race where cars went around in circles until everybody puked (I've never been to the Indy 500, but I'm told this is what happens). Ah, memories...

Speaking of memories, how about telling us your absolute favorite one-liner, zinger, insult, retort, riposte, or other witticism that either you've heard someone else deliver, or you yourself have dropped on your mortal enemy that reduced them to a quivering jelly before you stole their significant other and danced the night away. If you've lived a boring life that in no way resembled an 80's flick, feel free to grab a quote from your favorite film, TV show, stage play, or other production. Also, if you only thought of the most awesome burn hours, days, or even weeks after it would have been appropriate to respond, be honest and tell us. It's more fun that way. :)

Put them here. Tell the stories. Deliver the crushing verbiage as though the whole school would rise behind you and cheer. Embrace immortality, if only for a short time, and be the star of your own life. Let's get this party going and keep it running until, oh, next Wednesday around 10pm Eastern Standard Time.

*huggles*
Areala

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One of my co-workers, after a playful verbal altercation where some 'Your Momma' style comments were exchanged:

"This is dumb. Let's agree to leave moms out of this. And I'll leave this..." (pointing to his crotch) "...outta your mom!"

I laughed quite heartily at that one, but it's saddened me too. It's not like I can turn around and use it on somebody else because, you know, biology and anatomy. :)

*huggles*
Areala

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"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

So genius, so versatile, so iconic - it is the story.

As an added plus, the line was delivered perfectly by Rowdy Roddy Piper.

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As an added plus, the line was delivered perfectly by Rowdy Roddy Piper.

And later bastardized by Duke Nukem in Duke Nukem 3D as, "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum...and I'm all outta gum." 90's FPS games were the best. :)

*huggles*

Areala

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"well the jerk store called.....and they're running out of YOU!"

OK, so maybe this is the worst one ever, but it's the first to pop into my head, so now you are subjected to it.

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How about Adult Swim's Assy McGee. The entire 2 seasons were a spoof of every tough guy cop movie out there and the lead cop being the bottom half of some guy who talks out of his butt cheeks and sounds alot like a muffled Sylvester Stalone. Every episode in the second season had a Toyota scion commercial where the lot was owned by Assy. He ended it with, "Dont make me run you're ass over!"

The commercial starts at 3:35
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One miserable summer at Boy Scout camp I was gathered around a table with some of the other scouts as we waited for everyone to get dressed and ready for one of our perfunctory camp-wide meetings. One of the reasons scout camp is so miserable is because you have to hang out with all kinds of annoying people you wouldn't spend time with otherwise. People like Ben, who always gave the impression of being very slow-minded, slow enough that I seriously wondered if he was a special needs person (they were at camp, too, but usually in their own troop). Nope. He was in our troop, and I was one of his youth leaders. I pitied him because I knew he would be bullied by someone somewhere eventually, and probably already had been bullied in school. He would come in late to conversations and say something that would go over like a lead balloon and make everything awkward. How could he be so slow? We just learned to tolerate him. Of course he dressed slowly and he was one of the people we were waiting for.

As we waited, we made note of all the other boys who somehow got out of having to go to camp that year. "Where's Matt? How come he isn't here?" That sort of thing. We mentioned another younger boy by his last name because he had a common first name. This boy was very quiet and mild mannered, and no one had any kind of negative feeling toward him, but he was noticeably very fat and so was his entire family. Because he was so quiet it was the only trait we knew they all shared.

"Hey, did you ever notice…? He looks a lot like his family?" one of the boys said.

I looked at my friend. We were older than the rest. I was senior patrol leader and he was one of my patrol leaders, so we were trying to set a good example.

"Yeah," someone else said, "they're all…"

"They all have," someone interrupted, "very big…"

"Uhh…"

"Feet," another said.

"Yeah," my friend said, smiling in relief, after struggling to find some random discreet way to refer to someone as fat. "They all have very big feet." He nodded at the others in a way that suggested that they didn't have to say any more that might be considered mean and they could drop the subject.

"Yeah, big feet," I said. Whew, dodged a bullet there. But we didn't notice that Ben had walked up to the table.

"Yeah to carry all that weight around," he deadpanned.

Everyone erupted in laughter. It was one of the longest uncontrolled fits of laughter I've ever had in my life. Because we all thought we were being very smart, talking in code and nodding cleverly about something discreet, especially my friend and I, who thought we had avoided an unpleasant moment of saying something mean about another kid who wasn't there and didn't deserve it. Nope. Not with Ben around. All our efforts at decorum were futile around him. All we did was tee off for the slowest kid in camp.

And for that moment, we were all dumber than he was.

We would talk about it years later and it annoyed Ben because he didn't understand that we were laughing at him and ourselves for being so stupid, not at the fat kid and his family. He kept saying, "I don't get why you guys thought it was that funny." It was the one funny thing he ever said and he didn't get it! That poor kid.

Edited by marktrade
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How about Adult Swim's Assy McGee. The entire 2 seasons were a spoof of every tough guy cop movie out there and the lead cop being the bottom half of some guy who talks out of his butt cheeks and sounds alot like a muffled Sylvester Stalone. Every episode in the second season had a Toyota scion commercial where the lot was owned by Assy. He ended it with, "Dont make me run you're ass over!"

The commercial starts at 3:35

I saw like four episodes of that show and found it hilarious. It was so absurd and stupid as to be totally amusing. I liked Assy's Hispanic partner who reminded me of (and may even have been) Luis Guzman. I remember an episode having to do with a stolen bicycle or something and I think the partner feebly tried to talk Assy down as he shot at the guy. Or something.

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I feel like we missed a week last week... anyone else?

As for quick wit, it has unfortunately never been a strong point of mine. I tend to think of GREAT come backs... way way WAY past the point where they would have been a shining moment of humor. Comedy is all about timing and or delivery, I'm usually better with delivery.

That said, I have come up with all sorts of "popsicle" jokes over the years. Have been writing them down since I know I'll forget eventually. Nothing that's really helpful to this thread though. Sorry guys, I've got nothing for ya this time.

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I feel like we missed a week last week... anyone else?

As for quick wit, it has unfortunately never been a strong point of mine. I tend to think of GREAT come backs... way way WAY past the point where they would have been a shining moment of humor. Comedy is all about timing and or delivery, I'm usually better with delivery.

That said, I have come up with all sorts of "popsicle" jokes over the years. Have been writing them down since I know I'll forget eventually. Nothing that's really helpful to this thread though. Sorry guys, I've got nothing for ya this time.

It wasn't quite a week, but I was busy over the Memorial Day holiday, and thus didn't get the new question up until five days later. We'll be back on schedule starting this Friday. :)

*huggles*

Areala

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