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I Was Doing Better Until Today



Today the Supreme Court of the United States voted to overturn 50 years of precedent, by overturning the decision in the case of Roe vs. Wade, which allowed for access to abortion in this country. This is a decision which will, without fail, result in the death and ruination of the lives of women and girls unfortunate enough to reside in a state with a Republican-controlled legislature.

"But Areala, why would YOU care about abortion? You don't want to have kids. Hell, you're gay. You couldn't get pregnant with your wife no matter how hard you tried!"

I care because I'm a woman with a functioning uterus, who could become a victim of sexual assault and be forced to carry my rapist's baby to term. Indiana, where I live, is convening an emergency legislative session in early July to pass a law ending all access to abortion in the state. This will likely be regardless of circumstances: rape, incest, being eleven years old, an ectopic pregnancy, a pregnancy where delivery or the continued carrying of a fetus could harm or kill the mother, it will not matter. Overturning Roe is overt violence towards women.



But that's not why I'm sad. That's not why I'm terrified.

I'm terrified because Justice Thomas, in his opinion, wrote that overturning Roe was just the beginning. That it was time to reconsider other such legislation. Legislation like Griswold vs. Connecticut, which concerns access to contraception so people can partake of their own family planning. Legislation like Lawerence v. Texas, which protects the rights of consenting adults (especially of the LGBTQ persuasion) to engage in the sexual activities of their choice. And legislation like Obergefell v. Hodges, which opened up marriage equality to same-sex couples.

A sitting Supreme Court justice told the entire nation that next, they would be coming for me and people like me.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a lesbian. My wife and I got married on June 26th, 2014, after being together for seventeen years prior to that. In two days, we'll celebrate our eighth anniversary as a married couple, and a few months after that, our twenty-fifth anniversary as a couple. I don't much feel like celebrating. Because a sitting Supreme Court justice just told the country they're coming for me.

Six years ago, when Trump was elected president, I wrote a post explaining how terrified I was of what this presidency would mean to me, and to people like me. I wrote that I hung on to a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't be as bad as they seemed.

I don't have even that sliver of hope any longer. They are coming for me, and for people like me and my wife. They have said it openly, without fear of reprisal, secure in the knowledge that I can do nothing to stop them.

For the last several weeks, I have struggled with the worst bout of depression I've ever suffered. Yesterday, I was making progress.

Today swept all that away.

Today, all I can do is 'survive'. I can't be happy, I can't find joy in anything, all I can do is concentrate on taking the next breath, and then the one after that.

I have no more energy, no more will, no more stamina or endurance or mettle or guts or reserves left to fight.

This country is now a theocracy in everything but name. And after three decades of doing my damnedest to rise above, to fight the good fight, I am throwing in the towel. I surrender. I'm broken beyond anyone's capacity to repair. I'm powered now by tears, and when those run out, I fear I will too.

I love you all. But I give up. It's over. They won. It's done. And so am I.

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